You may or more than likely may not have noticed I stopped posting things on my Mustard Seed Year site.
I stopped posting during a time of extreme mental/emotional turmoil for a variety of reasons. Most of them related to the fact that I just didn’t want to post about how I was going through yet ANOTHER major trial in life.
It’s not that I don’t praise God for struggles and trials because I can look at my life and I can how many were necessary to help shape and mold me into a more Christ-like person. I have zero doubt that God needed to put me through some things to knock out the Philadelphia sized ego I had coming out of college and roaring into my 20s. (Just as an example.) I look at where I had once been and where I am now and I can see God’s fingerprints all over the trials (and the joys) and I give Him 100% credit for any successes there are in my life.
Without God, I would be dead right now. I just know it.
So you would think I would make anything He tells me priority and drop everything to make it happen. And I try. But I’m human, I make mistakes and I still have that thorn in my side called depression that likes to swoop in at the least expected time and put me in a battle to keep me from becoming a hermit again. (And when you work both jobs from home, the temptation to never go out is very real.)
So I’ve been in a season of disobedience in that I know He asked me to lose weight and I haven’t done it yet. It’s a bi-product of my fight with depression, I know, but I still need to do it and I haven’t. So, that’s a sin. And it might be why I’m suddenly facing valleys instead of mountain peaks.
And that valley has been mixed. I tried to make friends at the church I attend (going to volunteer, groups, etc.) and nothing’s happening there. I had to cut off ties with some friends who decided to follow heretics like Rachel Held Evans instead of solid, Biblically based teachers like Ray Ortlund or Jared Wilson. I found out that most of the people I considered “friends” and spent time praying for, petitioning God for and checking on their well-being pretty much never thought of me until I would ask them how they were doing.
It culminated in a dream I had last week of my funeral. There were less than 10 people there and I won’t say how far under 10. Let’s just say the salad bar in the back was virtually left untouched. (“Weird Al” in his movie UHF had a funeral home advertise a salad bar, so I think that’s where that came into the picture.) Also, I’m not counting the fact Neil Peart (the real person, not my cat) was there…I’m sure the dream analysis people would have some special meaning about his presence there but I’m not sure it matters for the grand point: I have only a few people in this world who REALLY give a crap about my well-being.
However, it also has that boomerang effect of feeding my depression that I really don’t matter much. And unless you struggle with depression, you don’t know how hard that fight can be. Even if you know you mean the world to someone, the weight of the world’s lack of giving a crap can sometimes bring you way down.
So I’ve been struggling with that…and being single.
God yelled at me today as I was driving home from dropping the kids off after a week. On a day I was already feeling horrible because I had to come home to a mostly-empty, mildly cat infested apartment and was taking my extended drive to hold off the downward spiral, God said “hey, you know those dating sites you’re on to find a wife? What, you don’t trust Me to bring you a Godly wife?”
And it hurt to say at that moment, I didn’t.
And a split second later I realized how stupid it is that I don’t trust Him.
There’s a myriad of reasons for it. One, He hasn’t brought me one. Two, the last major desire of my heart He granted came 30 YEARS after I first asked for it. Three, I’ll be 45 in January, over half my life is over and every day that goes by without someone is a day that I can’t be with that person. I could go on, but I think you see the point.
And yet I know everything I have, every good thing, has come from Him. And the “bad” things like trials and tribulations He has allowed to refine me to make me better. And I’m sure this current pattern of the few times I venture out of the house running in to happy couple after happy couple is trying to get some message through to me. I know I need to “reframe” (as my counselors would tell me) the situation and focus on the fact a lesson is being learned.
But I really hate being single. I hate the recent events that hit me like a pneumatic golf ball testing machine to the male attachment. I hate looking up and going “you know, YOU’RE the one who said it was not good for man to be alone, you know” and getting nothing but radio silence from above.
Why am I posting this? Other than feeling like I’m supposed to do it, I don’t know. I know that most of the folks who may stumble across this really won’t give a crap. I know that most folks stopped reading about the second time the word “depression” popped up and I could sit here and type out that I’m really a female space alien named Bleep Blopp with four eyes, eight breasts and seven legs and only my mom would write to ask me what I had eaten before writing the paragraph.
So now I’m going to have to stop going to dating sites. If God brought it up that I wasn’t trusting Him by doing it, then obviously I don’t want to do something He says is not trusting Him (and thus being disobedient.) I need to find a way to do something to counter the depression beyond eating tasty things and get on that bland diet I went on about a decade ago where I lost almost 100 lbs. I’ll keep up the Bible study and prayer and meditation and things that I’m doing because those are good things. And I’ll keep working my butt off for the jobs that are tremendous blessings to be able to pay the bills.
And now a special message to those who read this all the way: Hi mom. Neil T. Kitty says hi too.