I’m on a pseudo-vacation this week. That means I’m working, but I’m not working from home, so I don’t have all the distractions of home when the work day is over.
It’s given me a lot of time to think about life, the universe and everything.
And I don’t like what I see.
I’ve been looking at my faith and walk with God through a new lens after a dinner with a brother in Christ. It took a lot of the weight I’d been feeling off my shoulders but it’s also created a new weight: the weight of knowing completely that I just am not God.
While I am free under Christ to anything that’s not sinful, not everything is what’s best for me.
You see, I don’t know myself the best.
I may know myself better than any human being walking around the Earth right now, but I don’t know myself better than God knows me.
God knows the things that will truly bring me joy that I may have no idea are the perfect things for how He crafted me in my mother’s womb.
God knows my core.
So while I may (for example) find women of Indian descent to be incredibly beautiful, God knows who the perfect life mate would be for me based on who I am at the core. She may have blonde hair, blue eyes and may even (gasp) be a Yankees fan. (Given my hatred of the New York Yankees, I’m thinking it’s likely not a Yankees fan.)
I had to get to the point where I acknowledge the choices I’ve made in my life have brought me to this point and while God has been there with me, not all of my choices were the best for me.
I realized I don’t feel home anywhere as I was at my parent’s house.
Oh, I feel at “home” with mom and dad. I’m so thankful I’ve been able to spend time with them…I needed some time just talking face to face with them. I wish I’d done it more when I was a kid…but I was, well, a smart ass kid who thought he knew it all.
And while the house where mom and dad are is “home”…this town in Pennsylvania isn’t my home any longer.
I don’t really have contact with many folks living here. The things I used to do here that I enjoyed are gone and I don’t see anything here that makes me want to stay.
I’m really a wanderer with no real place to feel at home.
Oh, Nashville’s working on it. I have a church that I think is a place I could put down roots. (I’m planning to go through membership classes, we’ll see if they offer membership.) But it’s not “home” yet.
I started to think of places I’d lived previously where it all didn’t “come together”. I realized the number of mistakes I made in each location. Bad choices for churches, or friends, or potential life mates. I’d get a great person in my life and church would end up being a den of snakes. Or I’d be in a killer church (like in Jonesboro at Refuge Church of the Assemblies of God) but every other part of life seemed to not completely come into sync. There was always a feeling like I was just missing the signs God may be using to guide me closer to what He knows is the best for me.
So as I was sitting watching Eli swim tonight, it really hit me. I need to pray the prayer of a heart desperate to stop making mistake after mistake in chasing things that I think I want instead of what the One who knows me best knows would bring me the most satisfaction.
But how to phrase it?
This is what I’ve come up with after my 30th revision.
“Lord, I am asking you for the wisdom that you have said in Your Word You will freely give to us. I thank you that you’ve given me the free will to make choices in life, but I acknowledge to you that I have not always made the best choices in the places in life that deeply impact me. I am asking you to give me the wisdom to find the things in this life that you know will be the most fulfilling to my spirit. You created me, you know me completely. You can see every moment of the rest of my life when I can’t even know what may happen tomorrow morning. Give me your wisdom to make the best choices in life, love, work and service for the next moment and for the rest of my days.”
I’m sure I’ll revise this again, but it’s a start. I want to just keep that state of knowing that while I’m free in Christ to do things that aren’t sinful, not everything is beneficial and I don’t always have the wisdom to avoid the things that aren’t beneficial. God’s given me a finite number of days and I want to finally see what He sees as the best choices for me rather than always chasing selfish desires that don’t always glorify Him or more importantly, bring me closer to Him in worshipping with my life.
And I know that when I have more of Him and His wisdom, the more I will turn it back to praise to Him.