I’m really struggling with something right now and I’m sharing it with you so you can understand why I’m struggling so much.
You see, I REALLY want to tell God no for the sequel
He’s asking me to do in 2015.
In 2011, I felt God calling me to do a year long project called Mustard Seed Year. The goal of the year would be to post a blog every single day over the course of the year to outline what God is doing in my life.
Now, I’ll admit that I made an assumption for that year that I never should have made in the first place. I expected that God was going to do some awesome things in my life because otherwise it wouldn’t make sense for me to put Him on display with a blog every day. After all, why would God want to have something out there documenting things that would make those who don’t like Him just further their dislike for Him?
Well, we didn’t even reach my birthday on January 13th before the balloon was not only burst but the pieces were burnt up and blown away on the wind when I went to a “Dream” conference only to have them tell me my dream wasn’t obtainable and that I needed to get another one.
And then before 2011 was over, I was able to share about losing my job and going 9 months (i.e. the rest of the year) without being able to obtain another one; a divorce and bankruptcy. Oh, and my decline into a deep and sustained period of depression. Many people that I trusted and thought were good people threw me under the bus and basically showed me I had no value as a human being to them. And that’s just a handful of what happened in 2011.
What a great year, eh?
I completed the year as I told God I would do but I’ll have to be honest in saying there were many times I just wanted to say “forget this.” Do you know how embarrassing it was to share some of the things I was going through in a public way? I had many times where I would just scream at God asking why He would allow everything in my life to happen like this.
After all, it’s not like God didn’t know everything that was going to happen in 2011. He knew every. single. thing.
And He asked me to put it all on the line.
Now, I can say in hindsight that God used it. There were people who wrote saying they were encouraged by the way I kept following God despite the fact I was having the ever loving crap kicked out of me on a regular basis. God also used that time to really refine me in a number of ways and get me aligned with Him in stronger ways.
Yes, good came out of it. It was also the worst year of my life save 2005 when my beloved Grandpap Dale died. And his death is the only reason 2011 wasn’t the worst ever.
So you can imagine my reaction when I’ve been been praying and I felt God say to do it again.
I’m just being honest.
I don’t want to go through another year like 2011.
I can’t say it’s PTSD or something like that but the thought of doing Mustard Seed Year again fills me with dread. I remember what happened as if it was yesterday and not three years ago. I remember the nights laying on the floor praying that God would just kill me and get it over with because I was tired of hurting so badly. I recall the feelings of hopelessness that came from one blow after another. The anguish of having to move to somewhere I didn’t want to be, in a house I didn’t want to live in and the feeling like I had been abandoned by God. A hundred other things that it would take too long to list here.
I don’t want to go through that again.
I can’t go through that again.
I barely survived it the first time.
And now God is asking me to sign up for another Mustard Seed Year.
And I keep praying asking Him to change his mind. He responds “Do you trust Me?”
And I keep telling Him that I can’t survive another year like 2011. He responds “Do you trust Me?”
And I tell him that I have an incredible job that I really love and I don’t want to lose my job like I did in 2011. He responds “Do you trust Me?”
And I tell him that I’m already broke most of the time and don’t want to go back to relying on food pantries. He responds “Do you trust Me?”
Look, I know that just because He’s asking me to do Mustard Seed Year it doesn’t mean that it’s going to be a repeat of 2011 when I’m not kidding that I really don’t know how I survived the year. A year that had LONG lasting impact and obviously still has impact since the thought of another MSY brings a physical fear response within me.
It could be a year of positive growth, great blessing and opportunity.
But that’s not the track record for Mustard Seed Year. The track record of MSY is pain.
So the question is now whether I trust God and will obey His request to do another Mustard Seed Year in 2015.
I do trust God.
I really do trust God.
But I’m scared. I’m really scared.
And I just don’t know if I can push through and obey on this one.
Your prayer is appreciated on this and I thank you in advance.